hello world

I've been having the itch to write again, and though I'm generally opposed to a public forum such as what this site offers, I think it might be good to expand and explore the opportunities that a private blog no longer provides me. I'm in a good mental place these days, far away from the petty grudges of misguided youth that prevented me from having a good written vent. So let's call this a "safe space", and make this a resource for my crock pot of a brain so all the things that stew, tenderize, and evoke layers of flavor have a place to store for future reference.

I have a lot going on in my head today. I've been sitting on this couch for six months, staring out my patio window into the false forest wondering what the world has in store for me. Today the couch says patience is a virtue, and let your heart be broken should that be the path you must take for the success you have earned.

I am laying in wait for word back on a job I am a candidate for, and it is in every essence the perfect job for where I am on my life path. I have not felt this strongly about any job I've looked at in my six months of lowly unemployment, I have not felt this much hope or desire or fear. Hope that this company, this job, would be the answer to my prayers. Desire that having my prayers answered means fulfilling of goals, desire of seeing my journey take a turn for the better. Fear of what it means if I am not the person for the job, of feeling heartache and loss to the extreme.

I once explained to a friend that unemployment is like being in a one-sided relationship. You give and give and give all day long, for weeks and months at a time, only to find out the feeling is not reciprocated. Having an interview is like going on a first date with your unrequited love, and not getting a call back is like being told you are not good enough. It's truly a heartbreak.

And so this week, I wait. I wait to hear the words I've longed to hear, or to hear the words that have soul-crushing power.

It's a dreadful thing, being patient.