The time has come where my birthday has rolled around again. I twiddle back and forth between feeling anxiety and exhilaration as I get closer to 30. There is of course, the old adage of "you're as old as you feel"...and the truth is, I don't know how old I feel. In some ways, I feel very young in that I have not experienced as much as I think I should have by this age, and in others....I feel older than I am for the same reason. I am older and haven't experienced what I think I should have by now, which means I'm running out of time. And that is a very exhausting feeling to have...to think I am merely wasting my precious time on earth, doing what exactly? Am I doing anything to accomplish my goals, crossing things off the proverbial bucket list? Or am I living a stagnant existence, just doing the work needed to get through the day, and wondering where my week/month/year went? I fear it is the latter.
So, what to do about this? What do I want to impart on this world before my ultimate end? At minimum, I wish to be kind to others, and hope that they pay that kindness forward. The tangible? To continue my education. To be a homeowner and enjoy my family. To not worry about money every time I pay the rent. To be passionate about life, and be content with doing absolutely nothing when the time allows for it.
I don't know if I am specifically doing anything at this exact moment in time that will help me achieve any of these goals, but hopefully I will continue to be mindful over the years, wary of the time, and do something a little bit at a time that allows me to head in the right direction. I kind of hope getting married will help in this as well, at least in the owning-a-home department. I think it will give me a certain peace of mind that we'll be considered as a unit and my inability to keep bank records or budget will be offset by Josh's knack for both...and things will get inherently easier. I still get a little squishy inside and worry if getting married is wrong when 10% of the population isn't awarded this same privilege, but so far my friends/family have been supportive, so onward I continue to go.
At any rate...here is some music from my favorite band du jour.
Up Up Up (Live) - Givers from VsTheBrain on Vimeo.
