Why every day is Thanksgiving lately

The last time I was unemployed, it was due to a company-wide layoff, and the months that followed I had a very "woe-is-me" depressive attitude, wondering why, if the company needed to cut a million dollars from payroll, they laid off the person who made the least amount in the company. A lot of it didn't make sense at the time, and I don't remember a whole lot about how I passed the time before the next job came, save for feeling sad most days.

This time around is a lot different. It's a struggle most days, not because I feel sad, but because I struggle to squelch the anger...a surprising emotion for me, since I am not an angry person (A person of conviction, yes, but not an angry one). I've always had a very happy-go-lucky attitude, and while I have always hated change, I pride myself on being the type who bounces back easily and adjusts to the new circumstances quickly. So to find myself on a near-daily basis finding the anger in some corner of myself coming out when I least expect it, well, it's unsettling. I'm usually unsure of how to cope with the anger, aside from keeping busy or finding new things task myself with...so in the quiet of the day with idle hands in my lap, that's when I see it lurking around, trying to find some way to ruin my day. I've come to learn that this anger is the last laugh of the woman who sabotaged me, because she is an angry person in general. You know the type...always has something to complain about or someone to complain to, if things don't go exactly how she envisioned you can expect a near apocalyptic response on her part. I feel as though she gave me this anger somehow, so that I will share in the anger she has.

That's why I've come to make every day a type of Thanksgiving day. To combat the anger, I find something to be happy about or thankful for every single day...even if it's something stupid. Even if there are ten other things to feel really sad or angry about, looking for the good in each day reminds me that that too shall pass; that I have the ability to be a good and kind and happy person and overcome the obstacles I face - including the residual anger. Even if I stepped on a nail while babysitting, and end up spending the babysitting money on getting a tetanus shot instead...even when my optic neuritis is flaring up and I've lost my glasses so reading books is a no go until I get insurance again...I have to see the good in my day. I have to find that silver lining. I have a family who loves me. A husband who is my rock. Friends that do amazing things every day. A warm home over my head. Pets who unconditionally love Josh and I. Hobbies and talents I enjoy. The change in the seasons. The spirit of the holidays. A good hair day. Hearing Josh's car pull up in the driveway at night. Finding excitement in something new. Hope.

So, for now, Thanksgiving just isn't a day, or even representative of a month to be thankful, but it is how I  live my life as of late. That way I can continue to be the person you all know me to be, and not allowing my circumstances to change the very core of who I am for the worse. I hope that the next time you find something wrong in your day, that you take the time to find something good in it too. Just a thought.

I told you to be patient, I told you to be fine

Hoo boy.

I'll be getting on my soap box for just a minute, but then, I promise, I'll get down.

The last five years has been pretty complicated, filled with obstacles, and even at times downright crappy. There have been accidents, illness, financial woes, job loss, and the general feeling of our lives on "treadmill" mode - working really hard but never really going anywhere, no forward motion. But we've had ups with the downs.

We accept the hits we take knowing that good stuff will come with it too. Sure enough, we've recovered from a lot, and reaped rewards - We got married this year, after 10 of being together. But then I lost my job last month because a jealous coworker sabotaged me for the two months following my promotion, and Josh got in a car accident earlier this week. Life sucks right now. Like, really and truly. Not only am I worried about finding a new job with a termination on my record, but I suffer daily from the traumatizing experience of being royally screwed over by people you thought you could trust (at the very least to be a decent human being if not at least acting like an adult and not a petty 13 year old girl). We're geographically isolated from our families up North, and the political climate during an election season in the South pretty much means crazy people get even crazier. I swear, I can't go to the grocery store without coming back to my car to see my Darwin bumper sticker getting even further scratched up, or my HRC magnet getting stolen. I didn't realize nutjob tea partyers had the right to violate personal property. In public.

But I have good days amidst the hard ones. And I know there will be more good days. And I know that my positive attitude will take me a long way. I know that this too, shall pass. I will  be a better person, and I will still be happy and have good people in my life. I was reminded of a quote today, that sums up things right now:

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

It's not okay yet...so this gives me hope of something to look forward to.
::off soapbox::

it's been five days since you laughed at me

So, it's been one week since the big wedding-do. Since we didn't go the whole traditional route post-wedding (or with anything, really) in terms of a honeymoon and whatnot...I've had some time going about my regular business to ruminate on what it is we just accomplished.

And not much has changed. Honestly, I didn't expect it to feel any different shifting from "non married" to "married", so it's not really surprising that life is just as it always has been. I will say however, that it has given a sense of "newness" to the relationship, as it's the first major change since we moved in together 5 years ago. I am definitely ok with this overall feeling though...I sort of feel like the fantasy that is perpetuated through a big fancy wedding doesn't necessarily give a good landing pattern when it's time to actually put in the hard work of having a good relationship. Life isn't about tulle and pink and champagne toasts...it's about laughing off the rain and thunder soaked ceremony, getting mud on your new heels and not giving a shit, and knowing that even if the tent rips out from the ground and food is flying off tables, your new husband is still standing there holding your hand and laughing with you.

I asked Josh what his favorite part of the wedding was...and he told me that he was panicked about the thunderstorm impeding on the ceremony, and worried about how I was handling it. When I came running into the tent with my parents, laughing my ass off at how completely ridiculous the situation was, he felt peace and knew that for him, he was marrying the best woman in the world for him. That, to me, is what a marriage should be, and has always been for us for the last 10 years...plus one week.

I think if anything has really changed since being married is that for the first time ever, I gave Josh one of my colds. Maybe that's what marriage is about too. Sharing germs?

Also, as a semi-official announcement...I have kept my last name. I am not a "Mrs." of any kind. I feel that part of my identity lies in my name, first, last, or otherwise, and have no desire to change that. I also am not a Mrs, because while it is something that many women feel comfortable being addressed as, I do not. When in doubt, just call me by my first name...just don't call me late for dinner. ;)

Modern love walks beside me

Josh and I spent our evening crafting out the format of our wedding, and the wording of our vows. It was a rather unique experience, an almost out-of-body kind of thing that I had, in carefully selecting what will happen at a very precise moment in time several months from now. It was a good thought exercise as well...in deciding what we want our marriage to represent, what we want out of it, and what we want to give back from it. In doing so, I realized that we have a good ten years experience doing these things already, which is a nice kind of reassurance.

In my recent bout with illness, I joked with Josh that he was getting practice ahead of time on the whole "in sickness and in health". Now that we are near our ten year anniversary, I look at our soon-to-be-vows, and can't help but think both he and I have had our fair share of practice of everything else...joy, sorrow, prosperity and adversity. All the ups and downs, goods and bads, sweets and sours have been a colorful journey that I wouldn't trade for anything. It's all about finding the right person with whom you take along for the ride that makes it all worthwhile...whether that person be a friend, lover, family member.

So, I won't muse on any further...just wanted to share a brief glimpse into my otherwise cluttered brain.

Happy ten years Josh, and here's to another ten more!