So, in the midst of coordinating a move 1100 miles away, I have come to discover a whole list of "first time" experiences for myself.
1. Living alone. I have never, ever, lived alone before. I've had a day or two or even a long weekend to myself before, but never a time where it went longer than that. Where I had no roommate. I went from living with my parents, to college, and then with Josh. When I was planning my move to Atlanta back in 2007, I had initially harbored thoughts about getting my own place, rather than moving in with Josh. I wanted to establish my independence, just to say that I could do it. But at the time it made no financial or economical sense to live separately, so cohabitation it was.
These last 2 weeks that I've been alone since Josh moved out to get a head start on our new life in Massachusetts, well, it's been eye-opening. I found myself able to do things I always relegated to Josh, whether I thought I couldn't do it or just plain ol' didn't want to do it...opening jars, doing the dishes or taking out the garbage...or even the dreaded killing of the roaches. I've done it with a sense of bravery that I didn't think I had. Certainly I've had my moments of weakness where I've shed some tears (i.e. nearly getting locked out of the house when the latch to the sliding glass door fell down while I was outside and thusly locking the door), but for the most part I'm really proud at how I've handled this being-on-my-own thing.
2. Mowing the lawn. I mowed the lawn once before, technically, but it was a short-lived experience because I ran over a fire ant mound and had to stop that project fairly quickly into starting it. So, this time around, I mowed an entire lawn. I was intimidated by this dangerous machine, because I have a propensity for major accidents (loss of limbs, for example), and was afraid of the worst-case-scenario, however unlikely. But I did it, and the lawn doesn't look half-bad either. Go me!
3. Using a power drill. I dismantled couches, beds, and two major appliances today. When several of the screws in the feet of our couch were fairly stripped, I didn't give up and kept at it with both the drill and a screw driver, and I didn't shed a tear. This is a major thing for me, because I am not a drill and hammer kind of lady. I have virtually no aptitude for it, and my main claim to fame in construction/deconstruction was a "insert tab A into tab B" kind of bookshelf from Walmart 6 years ago. It is wobbly and nowhere near even. I usually give up if it does not immediately look simple, or I cry so terribly that I fall asleep hoping the problem goes away. But I didn't give up. Yes, it sounds silly, that I managed to unscrew some screws without tears, but it's really a major accomplishment for me. Sure, I can cook a thanksgiving meal for 10 without breaking a sweat, but you hand me a screwdriver and I see it as a fancy back scratcher. So, credit where credit is due, no?
4. Driving a van. I hate big cars, trucks, etc. I like teeny tiny cars where I am close to the ground. I had major nerves all morning about picking up the Uhaul truck, having to drive it 3 miles back to the house, and then backing it into the driveway. I couldn't eat all day, because I was sure that I would get into a major accident on the way home. But, I got gas, made it home, and backed it into the driveway in one try (with the help of my very good friend). I sometimes wish I saw more confidence in myself about my abilities to do new things, because it would save me a lot of stress and worry in the future. I see how well this excursion has turned out and I am surprised with the outcome...and I feel like I should set expectations for myself a little higher.
5. Grad school. Hell yeah, I got accepted. This is another example of a self-confidence thing...I thought I was good enough for school, but was I good enough over other applicants? I had that lack of faith in myself, and it was a nagging feeling. Getting that phone call from my admissions counselor was one of the best "firsts" I've had. It validated the whole of my experiences and that someone out there sees something in me that is worth investing in, that I'm going to make a good social worker and counselor one day.
Tomorrow begins the true madness of the move...packing the van, cleaning the house, and waiting for my dad to arrive. Friday we hit the wide open road, and by Saturday we'll arrive, hopefully in one piece. Even if I still need to learn a bit more about building confidences in myself...I do feel like I have really learned a valuable lesson in assertiveness. That is a quality in myself I've always wanted to build on, and I feel like I can take on the world now. Look at this badass go.
Thanks Atlanta, for 6 good(ish) years. I'm sorry we couldn't make it work, but there are some better things coming thisaway for my little family. Here's to the 2nd half of 2013!
