The last time I was unemployed, it was due to a company-wide layoff, and the months that followed I had a very "woe-is-me" depressive attitude, wondering why, if the company needed to cut a million dollars from payroll, they laid off the person who made the least amount in the company. A lot of it didn't make sense at the time, and I don't remember a whole lot about how I passed the time before the next job came, save for feeling sad most days.
This time around is a lot different. It's a struggle most days, not because I feel sad, but because I struggle to squelch the anger...a surprising emotion for me, since I am not an angry person (A person of conviction, yes, but not an angry one). I've always had a very happy-go-lucky attitude, and while I have always hated change, I pride myself on being the type who bounces back easily and adjusts to the new circumstances quickly. So to find myself on a near-daily basis finding the anger in some corner of myself coming out when I least expect it, well, it's unsettling. I'm usually unsure of how to cope with the anger, aside from keeping busy or finding new things task myself with...so in the quiet of the day with idle hands in my lap, that's when I see it lurking around, trying to find some way to ruin my day. I've come to learn that this anger is the last laugh of the woman who sabotaged me, because she is an angry person in general. You know the type...always has something to complain about or someone to complain to, if things don't go exactly how she envisioned you can expect a near apocalyptic response on her part. I feel as though she gave me this anger somehow, so that I will share in the anger she has.
That's why I've come to make every day a type of Thanksgiving day. To combat the anger, I find something to be happy about or thankful for every single day...even if it's something stupid. Even if there are ten other things to feel really sad or angry about, looking for the good in each day reminds me that that too shall pass; that I have the ability to be a good and kind and happy person and overcome the obstacles I face - including the residual anger. Even if I stepped on a nail while babysitting, and end up spending the babysitting money on getting a tetanus shot instead...even when my optic neuritis is flaring up and I've lost my glasses so reading books is a no go until I get insurance again...I have to see the good in my day. I have to find that silver lining. I have a family who loves me. A husband who is my rock. Friends that do amazing things every day. A warm home over my head. Pets who unconditionally love Josh and I. Hobbies and talents I enjoy. The change in the seasons. The spirit of the holidays. A good hair day. Hearing Josh's car pull up in the driveway at night. Finding excitement in something new. Hope.
So, for now, Thanksgiving just isn't a day, or even representative of a month to be thankful, but it is how I live my life as of late. That way I can continue to be the person you all know me to be, and not allowing my circumstances to change the very core of who I am for the worse. I hope that the next time you find something wrong in your day, that you take the time to find something good in it too. Just a thought.
