Seasons Greetings and all that

The last good Christmas I can recall was 2007, my first Christmas with Josh in a shared abode. We put up our tree, decorated together, and began creating our own family traditions.

2008 ended up being terrible because we had to call the cops at 5am on the 1^st floor neighbors for blasting music, and calling them again at 6pm because the 2^nd floor neighbors had been blasting theirs for about 4 hours. It got so bad that Josh took me out for a drive around the city just so I could get some peace and quiet.

2009 was good, because it was marked with visits from family and friends in our new apartment, but it was also tinged with the knowledge that we were still struggling from my layoff earlier in the year.

2010 was the year we were finally planning on going home for the holiday, a first since 2007. We were full of excitement, until our cat became deathly ill and a snowstorm blew up the east coast and our trip was cancelled and we were left with a disgustingly large vet bill (which was followed by another costly trip 2 weeks later and major surgery).

I (and Josh too), have spent a large part of 2011 trying to overcome the major illnesses of our pets, and trying to plan for our upcoming nuptials…all while trying to feel like the other shoe won’t drop. It has been desperately hard to get into the Christmas spirit this year, between the still open wounds of last year and the struggles to move forward…there’s hardly room for anything else. I’ve tried all the usual attempts at achieving childhood memories of past Christmases, with trees and lights and baking cookies, and watching time-honored classics like “miracle on 34^th street” and “Charlie brown Christmas”. Nothing has helped. Until this morning.

A very stupid, ridiculous mistake on my part and the repercussions of this mistake are what changed my outlook today. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel awful and stupid and soo not worthy because of my mistake, but that’s just self-deprecation until I know it’s safe to feel forgiven. Yes, I have been forgiven before I have forgiven myself.

I went outside last night to pick up the garbage can, and was startled by a roach crawling around. I did the normal girly thing and yelped, slammed the door and deadbolted it (as if the deadbolt would prevent the roach from coming in?!). I thought nothing of it and went back to my business. Except for one thing. Josh wasn’t home yet. And you can’t unlock the deadbolt from the outside. And I put in earplugs when I went to bed.

I bet you can see where this is going.

My poor, sweet fiancé came home at 1:30a from a long day at work, only to find he couldn’t get in. And I

didn’t hear his numerous calls, texts, and banging on the door because I wear earplugs so I don’t hear the neighbors being assholes. After 2 hours, he finally checked into a hotel. Just in time for me to wake up and find out what had occurred. I frantically call him at 3:30a, panicked and crying, realizing how much of an idiot I was, waiting for him to get mad at me.

But he didn’t. He said he was worried about me. He was worried that I wasn’t answering the door, and what if I was hurt or worse. His rational side figured I was wearing earplugs, but he still had that moment of “what if?”. He was relieved to know I was ok….even though I was an absolute dumbass and deserve a public flogging.

He showed me unconditional love this morning, at 4am when he arrived home. When I deserved it the least, he gave it in spades. That, to me, is the meaning of Christmas. And my figurative heart is bursting in knowing that I got the best gift ever this year, no matter what else happens….illness, bad neighbors, or whatever.

Merry Christmas, and many happy tidings

Simple (wo)man

Being the planner, to-do lists for my to-do lists, type-a organizer that I am, I have been slowly working on the "wedding countdown" list. You know, the bullshit stuff they don't tell you about when you excitedly say "Yes!" to your beloved. Stuff like wedding invitations (and RSVP cards, return address labels, envelopes, blah blah CRAP). The way I see it, getting all this busy work done and over with now is good, so that when the time comes to put x, y, or z into action, it will be ready to go.

All that being said...I've been researching ways to 'class up' my backyard potluck wedding, so as to not offend any delicate sensibilities. Along this research, I have looked up potluck wedding. Apparently in the Wedding Industrial Complex, those two words don't belong together. All I can surmise from this research, is the world is filled with ridiculously entitled, lazy, and selfish individuals.

Among the comments I've come across:
"I'm a wedding GUEST, I should be treated as such, not as the HELP"
"Potlucks are for graduations and family reunions, not weddings! How tacky, they should pay for me to eat!"
"If you can't afford to feed your guests, then you shouldn't have a party!"

All of these comments have essentially (and not so eloquently) stated that poor people shouldn't have weddings, and that guests have the right to be fed overpriced, disgusting catered food so that they can complain about the dry chicken or cold beef choice they were served.

Cool life.

Want to know why we're doing a potluck? It's really rather lovely. I'm sure you'd love to hear. At the least, I'd love to educate the public about being a bit more considerate and less tacky themselves :-)

We've been a couple for over 9 years. We've been together longer than most married couples (see previous post about the Seven-Year Itch). Our relationship has been a product of not just our compatibility and mutual love for each other, but also because of our family and friends supporting us the whole time. Our wedding is meant to be a cumulative effort, as it always has been. It will be a reflection of all of us, not just Josh and myself. Otherwise, our wedding meal would consist of spaghetti and tacos...which I'm guessing don't "go together" for dinner to you Martha Stewart-ites.

So Potluck it is. This means we get homecooked food, that everyone will love, and our guests (aka OUR FRIENDS, not self-entitled prigs looking for a free meal and open bar) get to have food they love and not the typical beef/chicken choice that they had to decide they wanted 2-3 months out. Have you ever made a choice for a meal you were going to have 2 months from now? When you think about it, it's kind of weird. Just thinking about it makes me anxious..."I might want beef, but I am in the mood for chicken now. What if I have Choice 1/Choice 2 envy the day of?" CRAZY.

Our other reason is a bit more selfish. I hate catered food. I have never once left a catered event unscathed from upset stomach/food poisoning/etc...which as I am planning on being a bride that day, I kind of don't want to spend the reception in the loo barfing my brains out. I'd far prefer playing croquet with my crazy uncles and getting 3 sheets to the wind on wedding punch.

Now, to the past, present, and future brides with catered weddings...more power to you. Everyone chooses the wedding options in the way that most reflects themselves as a couple, and I'm glad you found something that works/worked for you. All I ask from the collective public is that rather than calling potluck weddings "tacky", take into consideration the couple who is planning their impending nuptials. There's likely a reason, and it has nothing to do with money.

xoxo

"And be a simple kind of man.
Be something you love and understand.
Be a simple kind of man.
Won't you do this for me son,
If you can?

Forget your lust for the rich man's gold
All that you need is in your soul,
And you can do this if you try.
All that I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied." - Lynard Skynard "Simple Man"

up up up

The time has come where my birthday has rolled around again. I twiddle back and forth between feeling anxiety and exhilaration as I get closer to 30. There is of course, the old adage of "you're as old as you feel"...and the truth is, I don't know how old I feel. In some ways, I feel very young in that I have not experienced as much as I think I should have by this age, and in others....I feel older than I am for the same reason. I am older and haven't experienced what I think I should have by now, which means I'm running out of time. And that is a very exhausting feeling to have...to think I am merely wasting my precious time on earth, doing what exactly? Am I doing anything to accomplish my goals, crossing things off the proverbial bucket list? Or am I living a stagnant existence, just doing the work needed to get through the day, and wondering where my week/month/year went? I fear it is the latter.

So, what to do about this? What do I want to impart on this world before my ultimate end? At minimum, I wish to be kind to others, and hope that they pay that kindness forward. The tangible? To continue my education. To be a homeowner and enjoy my family. To not worry about money every time I pay the rent. To be passionate about life, and be content with doing absolutely nothing when the time allows for it.

I don't know if I am specifically doing anything at this exact moment in time that will help me achieve any of these goals, but hopefully I will continue to be mindful over the years, wary of the time, and do something a little bit at a time that allows me to head in the right direction. I kind of hope getting married will help in this as well, at least in the owning-a-home department. I think it will give me a certain peace of mind that we'll be considered as a unit and my inability to keep bank records or budget will be offset by Josh's knack for both...and things will get inherently easier. I still get a little squishy inside and worry if getting married is wrong when 10% of the population isn't awarded this same privilege, but so far my friends/family have been supportive, so onward I continue to go.

At any rate...here is some music from my favorite band du jour.

Up Up Up (Live) - Givers from VsTheBrain on Vimeo.

We lie beneath the stars at night

I think the next few months (years?) worth of blogs will end up being more of a series rather than a random collection of unrelated topics. Why? I am now the big 'E'. Youknowengagedhowweirdisthatright??

Hm. That's a word I never thought I'd use to describe myself, as I felt completely comfortable going through life never getting married, or, if I did get married, that it would be a decision that we'd make on the fly and there wouldn't really be a proposal or engagement - more like an agreement and looking at our schedules and coordinating a time to meet at the courthouse. So this is quite an unusual (for me) situation to find myself in. I consider myself in uncharted waters.

So pardon me as I fumble through the ins and outs of the land of engagement that I've seen referred to as the "Wedding Industrial Complex" (thank you Offbeat Bride!) I'm not the poufy white dress, champagne and cushion-backed pink chairs kind of lady, so I've been getting on a soapbox a lot lately, raging against societal expectations of high-priced weddings and that it's been drilled into our heads that you absolutely must have table favors and seating arrangements, matching bridesmaid dresses, and blowing the bank on crappy catered foods. You'll have to humor me when I get snarky and/or anti-wedding over the next however-long-takes for us to make it "official".

For the moment, we're just enjoying our business as usual, and riffing ideas back and forth. Kind of like throwing spaghetti on the wall to see if it sticks....if it sticks, it's ready. I have been getting questions, so I guess here's a nice little FAQ for all you interested parties:

When ya gettin hitched! Don't take another 9 years will ya?? No dates, venues, or otherwise have been decided on or planned. Don't expect one anytime soon, but maybe we'll get around to it in the next couple of years.

Are you changing your name? UM NO.

Potluck weddings are tacky, you shouldn't do it. You should get {insert cater here} We'll take that into advisement. However, I hate catered food (from a catering service), I get sick every time. It's also not made with love. If my family and love ones cook for me, I get a sense of community and I have more recipes to steal. But if there's a decent pub that does party menues, I'd be down with that. I love me some onion rings...

Where are you going to get registered? No gifts. No registry. We've been living together for 4+ years, we have all the linens, toasters, and whatevers we could possibly need. Donations to the HRC will be warmly received though.

How did he propose? It was a special moment and it came after plying me with fried goat cheese, so I was happy. That's all that's important.

I think those have been to majority of questions I've received so far. I'll keep you posted. I think it best to preface the madness by giving a clue as to the direction we're heading: Rules are meant to be broken, whiskey, and good music.

Niner, niner, do you read me?

My nine year anniversary is coming up in just a day or so. I thought I would do my annual "awwww" blog by letting someone else do the talking about my cheesy, albeit heart-warming, thoughts. So...happy anniversary babe!

"Home" - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes

Alabama, Arkansas, I do love my Ma & Pa
Not the way that I do love you

Holy roly, me, oh my, you’re the apple of my eye
Girl, I’ve never loved one like you

Man, oh man, you’re my best friend, I scream it to the nothingness
There ain’t nothin’ that I need

Well, hot & heavy, pumpkin pie, chocolate candy, Jesus Christ
There ain’t nothin’ please me more than you

Chorus:
Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is wherever I’m with you
(2x)
La la la la, take me Home
Baby, I’m coming Home

I’ll follow you into the park, through the jungle, through the dark
Girl, I’ve never loved one like you

Moats & boats & waterfalls, alley ways & pay phone calls
I’ve been everywhere with you

That’s true

We laugh until we think we’ll die, barefoot on a summer night
Nothin’ new is sweeter than with you

And in the sticks we’re running free like it’s only you and me
Geez, you’re something to see.


“Jade?”
“Alexander?”
“Do you remember that day you fell out of my window?”
“I sure do, you came jumping out after me.”
“Well, you fell on the concrete and nearly broke your ass and you were bleeding all over the place and I rushed you off to the hospital. Do you remember that?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Well, there’s something I never told you about that night.”
“What didn’t you tell me?”
“While you were sitting in the backseat smoking a cigarette you thought was going to be your last, I was falling deep, deeply in love with you and I never told you ‘til just now.”
“Now I know.”

Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is whenever I’m with you
Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is when I’m alone with you

Home
Let me come Home
Home is wherever I’m with you

Ahh, Home
Yes, I am Home
Home is when I’m alone with you.

Alabama, Arkansas, I do love my Ma & Pa
Moats & boats & waterfalls & pay phone calls

Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is wherever I’m with you
Ahh, Home
Let me come Home
Home is when I’m alone with you

shutterbugs

When you photograph people in colour you photograph their clothes. But when you photograph people in B&W, you photograph their souls! ~Ted Grant

So I have been taking photography classes since September, so that I could learn to use a manual 35mm SLR camera...and to develop skills in darkroom techniques. This has been, truthfully, an incredibly rewarding experience. I remember the very first picture I took (my parents standing on the fireplace at Easter), and I recall feeling this electric buzz in holding their camera. Knowing they trusted me to take their picture, when I was all of 8 years old, felt amazing. Ever since that day, I have wanted to photograph the world.

Growing up, my family did alright for ourselves. I had a roof over my head, food on the table, and clothes on my back. Though I had my moments of entitlement (a product of having too many wealthy friends), I never wanted for nothing. But my parents also taught me that if I wanted something that wasn't classified as a "need", then I had to save up for it on my own. As such, I never had an opportunity to get my own camera...and felt insanely envious of people who had them and got to run with the "artsy" crowd.

2008 rolled around. I had a crap job, came home miserable every day. I made next to nothing, and in general had nothing going for me except that I had a good relationship. I needed something outside of work and separate from my boyfriend, because independence is something I pride myself in having. I scrimped, saved, and bargain-hunted...and bought my Canon EOS Rebel K2. It came with lots of toys (tripod, filters, etc), and I had no idea to use any of it. Had I gotten in over my head? What's an aperture value? What do they mean by shutter speed? I spent hours reading over the manual, but was still coming up short. I stuck to the automatic setting for about a year, and maybe would get one good picture off an entire roll of film.

Determined to get better, I kept trying. Seeing the world through my viewfinder made me feel good. Like I was seeing something extrordinary out of the ordinary. It got easier, over time, to trust the manual setting and give the "trial and error" method the ol' college try. My pictures got better, more interesting. Still, most of the roll of film was crap.

Cue 2010. Now have the means to take photo classes. Whee! Now someone can finally tell me what an f stop is! First day of class was nerve-wracking. I was expecting a lecture hall or something, with some older gentleman looking bored at me for not knowing what I'm doing. In fact, the class is held in the 'Carriage' House of a renovated Tudor-style mansion that's a hisorical piece of property here in Atlanta and preserved as a cultural arts center for the city. My class is a mix of high school students, and young adults such as myself. It's taught by this guy and his partner. My teacher looks like Timothy Oliphant, but is probably hotter because I can actually stare at him in person rather than on TV. Such a relief that the whole learning experience is laid-back and informal.

I've learned to not just compose a shot, adjust the shutter speed/aperture value to accommodate for the lighting and the subject itself, but I can develop the film, then select the image I want to print and run the paper through the chemistry to develop the picture just the way I want. I can even go as far as toning the finished print to give it coolness/warmth in the coloration, albeit a black and white image.

Having total control from beginning to end as given me a sense of accomplishment. Having the tools I need to take a better picture...I almost feel like I was a twin separated at birth, wandering the earth looking for the thing that felt like was missing. And now I've been reunited, and it feels oh-so-good. I've found the thing I can call my own. The one "thing" I can say I'm good at, that's not a passive talent.

It may have taken me almost 30 years to figure it out...but at least I have more years ahead of me to enjoy my new hobby than there are behind me. If you feel like something is missing, be persistent. You'll find it. xoxo

"Self portrait"