turn the beat around...

It's impressive how one event can create a snowball effect of change. For me, the event in question was this job I was charging after for the last three weeks. This job was like my last chance saloon - a now-or-never situation. If this job didn't pan out, it meant that Josh and I were bound for another 12 months of living in a bad apartment in a crime-ridden neighborhood; I would continue struggling to find work and likely find something that wouldn't make me happy. At the ripe-old age of 26, I was feeling like I hadn't met any of my personal/life goals.

But. Thursday I got the call...and now I am gainfully employed with an open adoption agency not 5 miles away from my apartment. Because of this achievement, Josh and I are now proud lessees of a gorgeous new apartment in a quiet area of town, in a gated community safe from crime and inconsiderate neighbors. I get to be one of the lucky ones, where I don't have to worry about money or safety or comfort. Now that I don't have those things to worry about, I get to move forward with my life. I get to use my education, skills, and intellect to do a job I will love; I will get to make plans to pursue a Master's level degree, save money for a house, and think about one day letting Josh make an honest woman out of me. These are my goals, ones that I couldn't even consider thinking about until my own life was straightened out first.

I get to be proud of who I am, what I do, and where I live. Pride can be a good thing sometimes I think, because it evokes the ability to build self-esteem without narcissism, to learn the lessons that need to be learned, and have the strength to pursue a fulfilled life.

I start tomorrow at this new job...the first step in the beginning of my career. I can't wait.

hello world

I've been having the itch to write again, and though I'm generally opposed to a public forum such as what this site offers, I think it might be good to expand and explore the opportunities that a private blog no longer provides me. I'm in a good mental place these days, far away from the petty grudges of misguided youth that prevented me from having a good written vent. So let's call this a "safe space", and make this a resource for my crock pot of a brain so all the things that stew, tenderize, and evoke layers of flavor have a place to store for future reference.

I have a lot going on in my head today. I've been sitting on this couch for six months, staring out my patio window into the false forest wondering what the world has in store for me. Today the couch says patience is a virtue, and let your heart be broken should that be the path you must take for the success you have earned.

I am laying in wait for word back on a job I am a candidate for, and it is in every essence the perfect job for where I am on my life path. I have not felt this strongly about any job I've looked at in my six months of lowly unemployment, I have not felt this much hope or desire or fear. Hope that this company, this job, would be the answer to my prayers. Desire that having my prayers answered means fulfilling of goals, desire of seeing my journey take a turn for the better. Fear of what it means if I am not the person for the job, of feeling heartache and loss to the extreme.

I once explained to a friend that unemployment is like being in a one-sided relationship. You give and give and give all day long, for weeks and months at a time, only to find out the feeling is not reciprocated. Having an interview is like going on a first date with your unrequited love, and not getting a call back is like being told you are not good enough. It's truly a heartbreak.

And so this week, I wait. I wait to hear the words I've longed to hear, or to hear the words that have soul-crushing power.

It's a dreadful thing, being patient.